Doing therapy via phone/video conference hasn’t worked for me. At my last in person session (March 13th) Elle told me she would have to cancel the next one due to travel for a funeral. While therapy remains difficult for me, canceling brings feelings of imbalance/uncertainty. Also Dr. Jill ghosted me this past month (not on … More Distance Therapy
I feel heavy. Like the depression is back heavy. I met with Elle on Monday instead of the normal Thursday as she is headed out of town. And I have felt heavy since…. well probably from before then but its been more apparent since then. Side note: These breaks in therapy are a relief but … More Writing in therapy
I’m thinking of emailing Elle. Last week the harder space lasted until just the day before session (of course- cuz everything is “fine” by the time I see her again, smh) and I thought about reaching out over and over and didn’t. And then almost obsessively checked my email just in case she responded (I … More Good enough reason to reach out
I know I’ll be fine tomorrow. But I’m not real good right now. I am stuck and feel fragile post therapy. So I will write thoughts down. It will feel silly tomorrow, and definitely by the time I see Elle again, but maybe for now I will feel better writing it out. even if it … More she won’t fire me
I wrote this before today’s session. I am not really sure about this today’s session, wasn’t about me, mostly some professional consulting that went both ways. It always feels a little odd to do that, to be my professional self with Elle, but its kind of nice too. I get to be competent for a … More Not talking about SH
At the end of the session last week, I managed to tell Elle that I would like to figure out a way to talk about selfharm without it going all screwy in my head. I had waited for an opening, and it didn’t really come until the end, because I still suck at therapy. (Side … More Talking about Self Harm
I am feeling pretty unmotivated and ambivalent and lazy today (and underneath it all is the sad). Its one of those days where I “should” just push myself and get things done but there is nothing that pressing so I’m just sitting here. If I push myself sometimes I feel better, sometimes I don’t but … More All in my head
It eats at me today. The dull ache. I guess that’s an “improvement?” No longer a sharp twisting pain, or even the chronic numb/denial of pain (sorry- hard to describe), but instead the constant deep thrum of the despaired. It eats at me: The need to be dead. The sting of failure and disappointment and … More okay enough
Its been a long time since posting (obviously). My last post was somewhat positive, hopeful. But when things took an inevitable down swing I just didn’t have it in me to write anymore. I did write a couple of things, but never posted. Not really sure why I stopped posting and then stopped writing mostly. … More A post
I think I’m feeling better. It feels tentative, tenuous. But better. Maybe? I did one of those depression inventories and for the first time I’m in the moderate to severe category instead of severe. Yay. I think? I wonder if I should continue with therapy because I don’t want to disrupt an upward trend. I … More Good things
