Its just a hard day. Thats what I keep telling myself. And I’m probably right. I have days like this all the time. Its not that bad. Just shake it off. I should just get moving, get busy, do all the things! (that escalated quickly and is discouraging as any momentum and motivation quickly dissipates) … More Today


Distance Therapy

Doing therapy via phone/video conference hasn’t worked for me. At my last in person session (March 13th) Elle told me she would have to cancel the next one due to travel for a funeral. While therapy remains difficult for me, canceling brings feelings of imbalance/uncertainty. Also Dr. Jill ghosted me this past month (not on … More Distance Therapy

Writing in therapy

I feel heavy. Like the depression is back heavy. I met with Elle on Monday instead of the normal Thursday as she is headed out of town. And I have felt heavy since…. well probably from before then but its been more apparent since then. Side note: These breaks in therapy are a relief but … More Writing in therapy

Not talking about SH

I wrote this before today’s session. I am not really sure about this today’s session, wasn’t about me, mostly some professional consulting that went both ways. It always feels a little odd to do that, to be my professional self with Elle, but its kind of nice too.  I get to be competent for a … More Not talking about SH

All in my head

I am feeling pretty unmotivated and ambivalent and lazy today (and underneath it all is the sad). Its one of those days where I “should” just push myself and get things done but there is nothing that pressing so I’m just sitting here. If I push myself sometimes I feel better, sometimes I don’t but … More All in my head

okay enough

It eats at me today. The dull ache. I guess that’s an “improvement?” No longer a sharp twisting pain, or even the chronic numb/denial of pain (sorry- hard to describe),  but instead the constant deep thrum of the despaired. It eats at me: The need to be dead. The sting of failure and disappointment and … More okay enough

A post

Its been a long time since posting (obviously). My last post was somewhat positive, hopeful. But when things took an inevitable down swing I just didn’t have it in me to write anymore. I did write a couple of things, but never posted. Not really sure why I stopped posting and then stopped writing mostly. … More A post